"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
HOPELESS, HELPLESS AND HAPLESS: A TESTIMONIAL
I was driving home from work on the night of February 7, 2022 and began to pray. The words that came out of my mouth that night were utterly shocking - even to me. "You have to help me, Lord," I said, "Because the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt the people I love, but the pain that I am feeling is almost unbearable, and if you don't help me find some way to cope with it, I don't know how I can go on." I don't know how I can go on.... How could words like that have come from me? I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I was at the time working for an outpatient mental health and substance abuse clinic where I was a Clinical Supervisor. How could someone trained to help others find a path out of the darkness be suddenly unable to see the light? Furthermore, I had always been a person with strong religious faith. Suicide was not an option.
It had been less than two months since my mother passed away. I was convinced that I had failed her while she was still alive by not being there enough. There was obviously nothing that I could do about it then. Thinking about that had become an obsession that I could not escape from. No matter how much people tried to convince me otherwise, I could not stop being overwhelmed by the feeling that I was a bad person who did not deserve to be happy.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. The purpose of this month is to educate the public about mental health conditions, reduce stigma related to these conditions, highlight the importance of early intervention, share resources, and advocate to improve mental health policies. One of its goals is to make it easier for everyone to talk about mental health. Another is to promote better access to care and increase funding for treatment.
ITS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY
Years ago, it was believed that there were two groups of people - those who were mentally ill, and those who were "normal". We have since come to realize that mental health issues fall on a continuum and that most people have struggled with them to some degree at some point in their lives. It is not unusual for people to talk in casual conversation about being in therapy. Celebrities go on talk shows to tell stories about their mental health struggles. A mental health condition is no more seen as a personal weakness than a medical condition. Some conditions are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain that can be improved with medication. Others are caused by a combination of factors, including genetics and biology, and medication can help with those, too.
Lots of people have personal quirks that make them stand out from others, but being unusual in itself does not constitute a mental health problem. There are two important questions to ask yourself if you think you may have a "problem". First, is it hurting you or anyone else? Second, is it interfering with your ability to function in life? If you are struggling with feelings or behaviors that are getting in the way of living your life, that's a problem, but you are not alone. It does not make you "less than" someone else. It has no reflection on your character, competence or amount of willpower. Don't be afraid to ask for professional help. Asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. Don't be afraid to confide in trusted friends and family. They may understand better than you think, and their support can help greatly in your recovery.
If you have a loved one who you think may be having a problem, do not stay silent. Express your concerns to them but avoid doing so in a way that may sound critical. Describe behaviors objectively without speculating about motivations. Talk about how the behaviors are affecting you. Encourage them to talk to you. Listen and validate their feelings. Encourage them to get professional help if the situation calls for it. Educate yourself about the problem. Advocate for healthcare reform, so that everyone who needs treatment is able to get it.
"GOD WILL DO HIS PART."
Back to the night of February 7, 2022. A few weeks prior I had begun meeting with a psychologist who I will call Dr. David. Dr. David helped me many times in the past when I was dealing with the symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This time however, his work was having no impact. My lack of improvement gave me an even greater sense of hopelessness and failure.
I was too distressed at that point to think about a principle that a nun I will call Sr. Donna taught me in high school. This elderly nun at Nativity once said that students often asked her to pray for them when they had a big test coming up. To their requests she always responded by asking, "Did you study?" If the answer was "Yes", she said that as long as they did their part, God would do his. I carried that principle with me throughout life. I believe that all healing ultimately comes from God, but He doesn't work alone. He works through people like doctors and psychologists, and through things like science and medicine. You can't just sit back and expect God to change your life. You have to be willing to do some work. You have to do your part by consulting with the experts and doing what they recommend. However, when all of that fails, that's the time to hand it over, and just maybe - a miracle will happen.
THE DARKEST HOUR IS JUST BEFORE DAWN
I ended my prayer by talking to the soul of my mother, asking her to pray for me. I got home, turned the TV on and saw that the Winter Olympics was on. In the bathroom, I pondered my situation. Why was I not responding to therapy? Maybe it was just too difficult to try to change my thinking at that point. Maybe I needed to start by requesting an increase in my OCD medication. I went back out into the living room, plopped on the couch and began watching the Olympics. Suddenly, I realized that I was enjoying it. Recovery from mental illness, or anything else, generally doesn't happen overnight, but somehow, on that night, it did for me. The obsessing stopped and everything quickly went back to normal. Joy and laughter and a sense of purpose returned to my life. I had asked for the ability to cope a little better and I received a complete healing. There are still times, even today, when I think back and feel a little sad - for a moment - about not being there more for Mom, but the thought does not take over my life. There are still times, even today, when I question whether I am a good person. I try to let go of that and let God do the judging. I still don't fully understand what happened on that night in 2022. I could only come to two conclusions. First, Mom's prayers must be awfully strong. Second, as I once heard a healing priest say, "Jesus doesn't do a half-ass job."
"I the Lord of sea and sky, I have heard my people cry, all who dwell in dark and sin, my hand will save! I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright, Who will bear my light to them? Whom shall I send?"
Lyrics from the hymn "Here I Am, Lord".
Add comment
Comments